Participant profile and presenting concern
50 something, separated, father of an adult son, full time employed.
He joined the men’s group at the end of February 2016. He attended regularly except for a two-month period in which the group did not meet. He stayed with the group for a total of 8 months, ending in December 2016. He has confirmed his intention to continue with the group in 2017.
This participant presented with chronic long-standing conflicted relationships with several partners. He is twice divorced and had several unsuccessful relationships with women. He seemed to be compulsively attracted to women who would later torment him emotionally. His low self-esteem contributed to him being victimised and abused by several partners.
Initial narratives he shared with the group were filled with themes of his responses and attempts to manage intrusive, violating and abusive behaviours from partners. The group listened attentively as he reported weekly on the latest abuse he was surviving. The group helped him to see how his problems of self (lack of personal self-worth) was a factor in the abuse.
His earlier (childhood) emotional abuse and neglect later surfaced as part of a toxic mix of low self-esteem, emotional abuse and neglect. He was supported to uncover, work through and grief unresolved abuse (paternal) coupled with attachment trauma and emotional neglect (maternal). During later group sessions this member’s narratives shifted in direct proportion to his reports of grieving and working through of his original trauma. His narratives were now infused with themes that suggested that his relationships with women were positively transforming and less marked by extremes of behaviours. Below is his end of year presentation that depicts his inner transformation.
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Participant profile and presenting concern
45 year old, recently divorced, father of two children, self-employed.
This participant was referred to the men’s group by a faith-based organization that was involved in containing his marital difficulties. He attended the group for a total of 9 months during 2016. He had confirmed his intention to continue with the group in 2017. When he joined the group in February 2016, he’s presenting problems included that he “was ‘boiling’ over, which I later understood as connecting to his history of anger problems and uncontained aggression.
But the major concern he brought to the group was his escalating marital conflict. Towards the end of last year (December 2016) this member went on to describe how the group taught him to remain calm and in control of his emotions even during very volatile interpersonal communications with his now ex-wife. During some of the group sessions he shared with his fellow members how his self-awareness had dramatically increased and his interpersonal behaviour had improved due to the impact of the group. Below is the power point presentation in which he reflects on his experience with the men’s group.
Participant profile and presenting concern
20 year old 3rd year psychology student. He attended the men’s group on campus for the period July to October 2014.
This student comes from a background of parents who were divorced. His parents had a very conflictual relationship and he was estranged from his father.
There are many amazing things that I have learned from my experience in the men’s group. Though, one striking lesson that I have learned from the group in its entirety, is that men can be emotionally supporting and emotionally sharing. This went against my previous notions of how men relate, in an emotional sense. I previously perceived men as less emotionally sharing and open, which at first made me hesitant to join such a group.
I have also learned that strong bondage are developed when individuals start sharing and opening up on matters that personally affect them. This bondage grows to the extent where one becomes genuinely concerned about the well-being of other members, and where one would listen and try to the best of one’s ability to support them. This bondage can be seen as developing into a brotherhood.
One of the strengths that I brought to the group is that I am grounded in my religious beliefs and practice, though, despite this strong affinity, I still have a keen sense of diplomacy and liberalism. This specific lesson I am sure has stood out the most for them, and I am sure that they will be able to take this lesson and be able to feel comfortable with who they are and not feel the need to impose onto others their values that they hold.
The men’s group personally represented for me a men’s clinic, in which a space was given to heal and bring to the surface emotional wounds that has been bothersome for years. I positively believe that the group environment is the perfect facilitating environment to bring about positive change in each and every individual that places their foot into the group. Whatever your reason, concern, problem, the men’s group has something to offer to you. The group also represents a unique experience as there are very few opportunities of such a nature, that is, were men can discuss issues the affect their daily lives. I am honoured and humble by the amount of things that I have learned throughout this process.
I would also like to take this moment to thank CSSS, and in particular, Shahieda Jansen for her sterling works. Shahieda you have been an amazing facilitator and probably the most distinguish feature about you through this process has been that you have actually allowed us the freedom to run and direct the conversation to where we would like to, yet redirect us when we have lost the plot and brought us back to the road of progress. I thank you sincerely for being there for us.
Participant profile and presenting concern
Age 40 years, married, successful film maker. Attended private men’s group for a period of 2 years from beginning 2011 to end 2012.
Presented to me in individual therapy, resistance to becoming a father. His wife had started to put pressure to have children. History of chronically conflictual and estranged relationship with father (since high school days). Had brief term individual therapy with myself for a period of 4 months.
Reconciled with his father. Is now a doting father of two children.
My group has helped me realize how I tend to treat myself harshly when I fail to achieve a desired result, such as when I under-performed in my exam. I then began to realize how much I had internalized a very strict father that was extremely punitive, leading me to be very tough on myself, even now in his absence.
With reference to the above-mentioned example, when I shared my thoughts and feelings on this matter, it appeared to have evoked similar feelings for xxxx in particular, who seems to have had a similar experience growing up. This led to him to explore the possibility that he too may have a harsh “inner parent” that’s come about as a result of internalizing his dad and which may explain some of his tendencies to be very hard on himself as well.
The group has become an integral part of my journey to discovering what’s going on “behind the mask” for me. It has become a place where I can relax my defenses , lay down my knight’s armour and JUST BE. Sometimes, in the unpacking, I discover something that very upsetting, but these days, I don’t let it bother me too much. I simply acknowledge it, and knowing its there, it’ll get parked until another piece of information helps me deal with it, or helps me make sense of it. I don’t know for how long I will journey on with my trusted battled-scarred companions, but one thing is for sure…this works and I would highly recommend the experience to anyone who has the heart to move beyond their comfort zone.
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